Coparenting, or time-sharing as the state of Florida calls it. It's difficult, sad, and hard to explain, but I'm going to explain it from my perspective as best as I can.
Amelia used to be happy and excited to see her dad. This was before she started going on overnights with him. Once she caught on that seeing him also meant leaving me for a few days, she stopped being excited. Instead, she cries and clings to me. The short explanation is, I hate this. I hate watching her be so upset and feeling helpless to do anything about it.
There were two, maybe three, drop offs where she wasn't completely protesting going with her dad. Those weekends were easier for me because I knew she was okay and happy. This last drop off was extremely difficult for both Amelia and myself. Her dad had to pull her off me while she screamed to stay with "just mama". That's what she says now when she doesn't want to be with anyone else. She cried, screamed, and pleaded for me to take her home.
As a mother, everything in me says to hold and comfort my child however, in this situation, I can't. I'm not allowed to decide that being away from me is too hard for her at this age. I'm not allowed to let her stay in my arms for as long as she needs. all i can do is tell her that it's going to be ok and then turn around so she doesn't see the tears running down my cheeks.
This last drop off, I walked away, crying. I heard her screaming for me until she was out of earshot. Again, the short explanation is, I hate this. Mother's want to protect their children, they want to comfort them- something I'm not always allowed to do because of coparenting. It's excruciating. Every drop off, I feel like a failure, like I've abandoned her, and like I've betrayed her.
The first night back is always hard. She wakes up a lot, crying for me. I can pretty much count on not getting a lot done the day after she comes home because of sleep we always lose that night. Her stool is different when she comes home. It's loose and very dark. I've asked her dad about her diet there and it doesn't seem so different than what we feed her here. I can only guess that it is stress induced.
While she is very emotional upon coming home, she lacks any kind of emotion when I FaceTime her at her dad's for goodnight calls. To put it in perspective, she loves FaceTime. My mom frequently helps with Amelia when I have work or another obligation. Amelia loves staying the night with my mom. She'll FaceTime me and talk up a storm about what they did or are doing. She is only two, but communicates extremely well. The fact that she barely says a word at her dad's when I call to tell her goodnight, is worrisome.
I think it's time for me to find a therapist- for my two year old. We go to court in October to determine a summer schedule and I'm scared for her. He wants her for more than half the summer. She can hardly handle every other weekend (and she isn't handling it well at that). Even if we split the summer in half, I'm worried what my little girl will be like when she finally gets to come home.
She's too little for these kinds of emotions and changes. She's too little to understand why I leave her when she begs me not to. This is coparenting from my point of view. People tell me it will get easier, but that has not been our experience so far.
I'm by no means suggesting that her father mistreats her. I have no idea how he treats her, as he communicates with me as little as possible. The truth is, I want her to know her dad. I never want her to have questions about who he is or to feel like I've kept them apart. I've always invited him into her life. I hope that one day she really loves him and is happy to see him. I hope she has a great relationship with him as she gets older but, as her mother, right now it is killing me to watch her be so unhappy.
I'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for us. So many times I've seen people lacking empathy for parents who are in situations such as mine. What I want people to understand is, yes I know that her father has "rights" to her and I don't doubt that he loves her. I'm aware that it doesn't matter how I feel about the situation, because ultimately the court gets to decide what is best for my little girl. People have told me that I should be thankful that he wants to be in her life. On one hand, I am. But on the other, I often wonder if she would be happier had he stayed away.
Coparenting presents issues that are rarely black and white. It's easy to judge a parent when you haven't experienced their pain or heartache. It's easy to paint them as a villain, or a jerk, or a bitch. It's easy to think they are heartless, when really they are doing everything they can not to completely break down.
If you know someone going through something similar, I ask you to tread lightly. They likely need your support, but probably need your love even more.
